Real World Cancun: Spring Breakers Reunite September 17, 2009

Je-sus.  The reunion show of Real World Cancun could give a girl whiplash is they were sitting on opposite sides of the screen from one another rather than lined up like little ducklings in two rows.  There was a lot of banter, and not much of it was nice.  Hmmmm, what were the highlights?

 

— Jonna is called out hardcore and she waffles between defending herself by denying certain things and admitting fault.  She knows she goes after guys that the other girls in the house like, but she doesn’t do it because she needs attention.  She doesn’t have threesomes back in her “real life” but did ask Ayiiia to participate in one.  The latter she also tried denying, but she was quickly squashed after Ayiiia said she had proof in writing that Jonna invited her into the hookup rather than her just hopping in with them.  She claims her and Pat are still a couple and working things out, but everyone else says he did it all to be on TV.  And based on the phone call where he hung up on her not even two days after that menage trois happened, I tend to agree with the rest of them. 

 

A Recap on the Week’s TV Happenings September 13, 2009

I watched everything!

— RACHEL ZOE PROJECT: tomorrow Rachel experiences a meltdown because we all know, and the gossip columns report on, how terrifyingly thin she is.  Yes, that is her spine sticking out.  If the bitch just gained some weight, she wouldn’t look like such an old hag.  Fat plumps those wrinkles out, Rach.  Look into it.  Last Monday, Brad went to the Oscars with “Annie” Hathaway.  I don’t like Anne.  So I don’t care if he went with her.  (Do you love that I talk about her as if I know her?)  But I do likee the Liv Tyler and her comment about Dads in leather jackets gave me a good visual and a good giggle.

— FLIPPING OUT: Jeff’s old assistant Rachel quit and gave 15 minutes notice.  So he hired the first guy he spoke to even after promising Jenni he would seek multiple candidates.  And that guy didn’t work out either.  He flirted with Jenni, with Zoila, with their client Chaz…men, women, older Spanish women.  And basically, he got fired for it.  I wonder how Chaz will feel when he doesn’t show up for a private yoga session with him?  Crushed.

— PROJECT RUNWAY: zzzzzzz.  Yep, that was me sleeping.  I didn’t think Logan’s design was all that bad.  I did think the spelling of Qristyl’s name was, though, so thank the lord it won’t be gracing the screen anymore.  It broke more rules than my poor English-loving heart could bear.  Far worse is this entire new season.  They are losing me as the devoted watcher I once was, and they’re losing me fast.  No amount of famous guest stars can turn it around either.  It seems like a low-budget production.  Which is interesting because we’re not supposed to notice that they changed networks but something is off.  Maybe I can’t put my finger on it, but the pizzazz is lost.  Get it together, Lifetime!

— REAL WORLD CANCUN: finale.  Joey and Ayiiia had sex.  I say that with no forewarning because it seemed obvious from the moment they made nice.  Then Ayiiia felt guilty because she cheated on her boyfriend.  I’m assuming they’re no longer an item because at the “Shit They Should Have Shown” reunion, her and Bronne were making out.  Whatever.  Real World got incestuous a helluva long time ago.  They all said goodbye and it was fairly mundane.  The unseen footage, though, was not — it was a fucking laugh riot.  Emilee’s falling, the guys wrestling, all the hookups that didn’t make it to camera, Bronne idolizing Jonna’s ex Matt (who refused to pick her up at the airport upon her return, go figure when she hooked up with half of Mexico).  It was all there, and it was splendid.  Let’s reunite next week for the Reunion Show, which is where the good stuff happens.

— TOP CHEF LAS VEGAS: First, Jessie went home after the newly revised and scarier Quickfire.  Her lip piercing seemed unhygienic and I’m not sorry she went, she was in the bottom for everything anyway.  Ironically, the other chubby redhead, Kevin, won the quickfire and was not only granted immunity, he sat in with all the smug Frenchies and judges during the meal the next evening.  The Hispanic gentleman went home for butchering his meat.  One of the brothers, Brian perhaps, won the whole thing for his wonderful fish.  And oh, how I wish I could taste it all.  Such a disappointment.

— REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: wow.  I saw them on Ellen premiere week and they were something I hadn’t seen before….a whole group of hot messes.  The bickering and yelling and the amount of big leg hanging out and fake hair on that stage were mind-boggling.  Anyway, on Thursday’s episode Kim took her pudgy and demanding youngest daughter on a shopping spree and spent about $4k.  Again, HOW does she pay for this?  I guess we find the answer when Big Papa returns in two weeks and sweeps her away to the Bahamas — she needed to so he could give her a payment since she’s been racking up quite a credit card bill lately.  Lisa’s fashion line came out and Sheree made a complete fool of herself by showing up after the runway show and wearing jeans and a hoodie sweatshirt.  That alone was quite a statement since she gets facials wearing Dior couture and shit.  Translation: Lisa, your fashion line is such doody that I couldn’t even bother to get out of my most tragic clothing and show up for you.  P.S. I’m jealous since my Mercedes Benz Fashion Show got the shitcan when I insisted they escort me in a Maybach, a car worth more than my own house…

Poor, tragic bitches.

What’s On This Week: 9/8 through 9/10 September 7, 2009

I’m out of town this week, so you’ll have to wait for my recaps upon my return.  In the meantime, here’s a quick list on what shows to focus on this week:

FLIPPING OUT.  Jeff Lewis’ assistant Rachel apparently quit for good last week, causing Jeff to feel broken up with.  So he obviously needs a new assistant and the new guy is a…felon?  Huh.  I’m surprised he even got hired.

90210.  The second season returns on Tuesday and even though that’s another one I don’t tune in for, I do like me some Lori Loughlin.  That woman has aged well.  Minus the overly-Bo’d forehead and too much lip plumper, those don’t look so grand.

Real World Cancun, Talk About a Dry Spell September 2, 2009

You know footage must be at a minimum and the season almost over when you take so many drama whore castmates going to Playa del Carmen, Vegas, and jail — and still have it be as dull as tonight’s episode of Real World Cancun.  Let’s recap:

— Bronne and CJ invent a girl named Lauren who they tell Joey replaced him in the house.  They convince Joey that she’s banging hot and really chill.  The relevance isn’t apparent until we see a preview for next week’s finale, when Joey returns to the ME to bid adieu along with the rest of the crew.

— Some guy talks shit to Derek on the bus, so CJ punches him.  The next day, the accuser points him out and he’s taken to jail for a supposedly 36-hour stay, but they bail him out with 1800 pesos.  Anticlamactic…

— The guys go to Vegas for CJ’s NFL punting tryouts (or something).  We don’t see them gambling at all, but supposedly they win $200.  Upon their return, Emilee gets jealous that she’s never been to Vegas, so she tap dances on Bronne’s zombie magazine, which causes him to call Ayiiia “Hitler” and Emilee “Mussolini”.  I don’t even know how that comparison was drawn but it seemed very out of place with the rest of the episode.  Emilee: need I remind you that you’re on a 4-month-long free vacation staying in an amazing suite in Cancun?  So what if you haven’t been to Vegas, you stupid twat.

— Jonna’s man-hungry ways are put under a microscope.  The girl’s a fucking slut — an insecure, immature slut who needs the companionship of a male to feel loved.  Does the situation require much more explanation than that?

Nothing else from this episode comes to mind.  The finale next week hopefully includes better footage than what we saw tonight.  Oh yeah, Bronne made a zombie video where he played all the parts.  Apparently it can be seen on mtv.com.

Next week: Joey comes back and hooks up with a roommate.  It’s probably Jonna (she likee the peen) but I’m thinking Emilee’s a good possibility too!

Real World Cancun: Threesomes to Hang-Ups in 2 Days August 26, 2009

For Jonna, her life on Real World Cancun is kind of like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days but she’s doing all the things you’re supposed to do in order to keep a man on the hook.  Then again, she kind of gave away the milk for free…

 

 Let’s look at the facts:

 

 – She breaks up with her boyfriend, Matt, to hook up with Pat and not feel guilty about it.  Matt tells her that she is soulless.  She doesn’t care because she’s living it up with dudes on the reg.  She has Derek help her remove all evidence of her and Matt’s relationship from her room so when Pat looks up while he’s banging her, he no longer sees her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend staring down at him.  Most of the roommates support her to her face but make fun of her behind her back, saying she’s ruined a good thing for a douche like Pat.

 

— Ayiiia decides she wants Jonna and manages to finagle her way into a threesome with her and Pat.  He’s (obviously) totally down, but both girls regret it afterwards for various reasons.  Pat leaves the next day to return to Toronto.  She says she doesn’t know where things will go from here but that she’s questioning whether she had real feelings for him. 

 

— Somewhere in the midst of this, an extremely awkward double date takes place with JR, Jasmine, Jonna, and Pat.  Emilee plays the role of 5th wheel/referee as Pat and Jasmine make inappropriately rude statements to one another all throughout what looked to be a lovely rustic Italian feast. 

 

What’s on Tonight: Wednesday, 8/26

1.  TOP CHEF LAS VEGAS

The chefs continue scorching up the kitchen, and there’s big stuff to be won this season — they compete not only for immunity and prizes, but $10,000 casino chips to boot.  I have a feeling that things will only get more heated as the season goes on since a lot is at stake throughout the season and not just for the winner. 

 

2.  REAL WORLD CANCUN

I figured out why I write about this show — it’s because people like reading about it.  Generally I try to entertain the masses and obviously I prefer to write about shows I’m passionate about (which doesn’t include this one, I know it’s a surprise) but day after day this blog comes up on search hits for Real World.  Tonight we will witness a threesome between Jonna, Pat, and Ayiiia, I do believe.  Should be a real doozy of an episode.

What’s on Tonight: Wednesday, 8/19 August 19, 2009

1.  Top Chef Masters: finale.  We’re down to 3 chefs and I can’t even recall which 3 it is, but I know that Hubert Keller is one of them and that’s who I peg as the winner.  All the past winners of the show will judge and decide the winner, along with regular judges Gail, Padma, and Tom.

2.  Speaking of those 3…the premiere of Top Chef Las Vegas is on!  I think we begin with 16 chefs competing, and who knows if being in Sin City will make things any dirtier (either within the house or politically in the kitchen).  The biggest downfall to any and all cooking shows is that although the food is generally visually stunning, it’s not tangible for the audience.  Although it may seem like only serious foodies would love this show, that’s not the case.  Drama will ensue whenever strangers are asked to bunk together and spend all day competing.

3.  And now speaking of strangers bunking together, we have Real World Cancun.  I don’t know the forecast for tonight, but I believe this is the episode where we will see Bronne fling the fire extinguisher from the balcony.  Is another roommate headed home tonight?  Check back and see for yourself!

Real World Cancun: Sleep it Off August 12, 2009

Hopefully you know by now that Joey’s home and he reported to the roommates via email that he was outrageously happy being there.  The roomies are a bit depressed with him being gone — everyone except Ayiiia.  Jasmine is still down on the whole Pat thing, and he continues rejecting her at every opportunity.  She drinks to drown the pain [sob].  After chugging vodka, red wine, and some other mysterious drinks, Emilee gets upset with her and tells her to quit drinking and go to bed.  Jasmine freaks out, yelling at Em to go chow down some Aderol.  The insults here in Mexico are getting watered down alongside the tequila.

All the roommates are at risk for going home the next day when they’re all late for work together.  Even though Jasmine was up plenty early, she chose not to wake the other roommates.  They go to an orphanage which resonates the most with the three that were adopted: Jonna, Emilee, and Derek.  They decide to host a Mardi Gras charity to raise money for the organization.

What’s on Tonight: Wednesday 8/12

For the first time in a few days, I have a real answer to that question.  A couple of things, neither of which is really sparking my fancy but I’m going through serious withdrawals so this helps me come down easier.

 

Real World Cancun.  You know the drill.  8 strangers, live in a hotel, work together, play together, get down together, and throw temper tantrums together.  Last week, Joey went home.  It was both expected and unexpected because all it took was him missing an alarm clock.  Guess it’s not true that everything that happens in Mexico stays there.  Or is that Vegas?

 

Top Chef Masters.  Please immediately remove Kelly Choi or whatever her name is from television.  She cannot hostess, she looks like she doesn’t eat (not that Padma Lakshmi is much better but she has ZING!) and her personality reminds me of broccoli.  She’s politically correct and nutricious but boring and not in the slightest bit scrumptious. 

 

Other than that, I’m really enjoying my Dexter marathon.  Turns out my husband hates the show so he’s not watching with me after all but he isn’t easily engaged by anything that isn’t animated or 3-D.  Thus, he is the wrong audience and I will continue thoroughly relishing the show by myself.

Peak Week Sad Goodbye August 5, 2009

This is a bunch of horny gremlins.  Meaning water aids the problem, and they’re in Cancun so it’s especially exacerbated.  Jasmine throws herself at Pat, he rejects her pretty hardcore.  Yet, she still goes for it again and once again is let down (not let down easy either).  Emilee’s hooking up with a chick that both Joey and Bronne tried to get with, Bronne diddles around with a Playboy model…yeesh, was she in the Beer Belly Coeds Edition?  Sick.  Joey brings another girl back, Derek brings a boy back, and Jasmine just punches/breaks thing while yelling about how she can’t get laid.  She ought to see her measly self ten years down the road +15 pounds, a gut from drinking too much, and a gravelly smoker’s voice, and realize it won’t get any better for her.