Quick Review Before I Bust Out of Town April 28, 2009

I had several shows I neglected to post about in the past 24 hours, but here’s some important moments from them.  Just don’t expect anything more from me this week.  I’ll be back in all my blogging glory on Sunday but who knows how fast I can work.

On DWTS, Melissa sat out due to a rib injury and was judged based on an earlier taped rehearsal.  Her score was the lowest of the night: 21.  She was in the bottom 2 on results night, but she stuck around.  Wondering who did go home?  Sad to say it was Chuck.  He’s cute and all but Ty is more darling so I couldn’t be more thrilled that he made it.  And damn — he looks pretty good without a shirt on and with a spray tan!  The group dances were interesting to watch, but I wasn’t all that excited about them.  Although the men spoofing the Justin Timberlake skit on SNL was pretty great.  Next week I believe they have 2 dances each.

Virginity is of Great Concern to Spencer Pratt April 27, 2009

When I think of some things that freak me out, virginity and Spencer Pratt also come to mind. Namely, the idea that a female could be around Spencer Pratt and not want to be a virgin.  Flesh Beard is a disturbing man, and I could cast some really sick images of a sexual nature for you right here and now, but I will spare you all.  Let me just say that my imagination has taken me to some upsetting places after tonight’s Hills.

When Heidi’s Bible-rific ex Colby comes to town, Spencer spends his entire 11 minutes (approximation, people) of airtime discussing sex with the poor man.  Don’t you think if you’re a 22-year-old virgin, you would rather not talk nonstop sex with the current beau of your ex-high school girlfriend, who’s made herself over into a blank-staring Playboy Playmate since you used to date her and not sleep with her?  That Flesh Beard is a cruel man.  He even goes so far as to host Bible study with him and Heidi and Colby and his girlfriend and asks them to locate the passage that says sex before marriage is forbidden.  What does he care?!  If Colby didn’t have those values then he could have nailed Heidi years ago!

Are You Wearing Your Beret?

Then hop on into this spying game.  I’m recapping tonight’s episode of GG, which is never to be missed, particularly if those classy Upper East Siders are lurking in trees and snooping on their own friends.  If you did somehow miss it, let’s talk about how southern “gentlemen” prefer blondes…and brunettes…and getting wireless access to the developing world.  Which to Blair means the subway.  Rufus is in the money now that the gallery is selling for 3 times what he paid for it, and he has his eyeballs on a vintage sparkler for Lily.  Blair and Chuck catch Gabriel having a rendezvous with Poppy right outside Serena’s building.  Nate is suspicious about his once-again girlfriend and his old rival for her affections, but here’s what I say: if Blair could get over Nate banging Serena, why can’t Nate do the same about Chuck?  Both N & B had lingering feelings for their flings.  And at least Blair and Nate weren’t a couple when she slept with Chuck.

This One Won’t Either April 26, 2009

Now that Kitty is so very friendly and head-tilty with Hot Park Guy and Sarah knows it, she’s in for a world of hurt with her marriage to Robert.  You remember it?  The one featured above?  Nora is, as usual, worried about something, and this time it’s Julia.  After some sarcastic advice from Kitty, Nora vows to head right over and check on the fair-haired wife of abandoner Tommy.  Kitty blows Robert off again, and lets him go on thinking her new buddy at the playground is a female rather than a cute male widower, whom she even promises to go house-hunting with.  My, my, Kitty.  Walking a fine line between head tilting and a full blown affair.

This Pretty Picture Won’t Last Much Longer

Edie’s dead, and we’re moving right along with the show.  Start off with a little old lady named Rose brushing her hair, going to bed, and then beating the hell out of Orson’s head with a baseball bat before witnessing Edie’s death by telephone pole/electrocution and having a heart attack.  Busy night for Rose.  It’s only a matter of time before the old lady spills the beans…  but for right now, the poor dear thinks she chased death away with that baseball bat.  Orson needs to hide his break-in from frosty Bree, who is rightfully concerned about his little ol’ stealing habit.  I know she made a promise to stick by him after prison, but I think she’s done her fair share of understanding.  His 5 years in jail doesn’t mean he now has a get-out-of-jail-free card. Later, Bree gets to the bottom of Orson’s head inury when Katherine repeats Rose’s senile tale.  When they get home, she gives him a chance to admit his wrongdoing, but he won’t.  So she goes to Andrew to discuss a divorce once she knows Orson is lying to her yet again.

Daisy of Disaster

The men that compile the contestants on Daisy of Love are some serious degenerates, but since Daisy herself was on Rock of Love 2, they seem to be on par with one another.  Daisy looks like a Muppet.  And couldn’t they have picked a better name for the show?!  The opening credits show lots of drinking, fighting, and general male debauchery.  Daisy de la Hoya is the cousin of Oscar de la Hoya, and she is a pocket-sized bundle of big lips and an even bigger surgery bill.  Host Riki Rachtman immediately identifies 12 Pack from both “I Love New York” and “I Love Money”.  Is it my imagination, or did Daisy’s breasts get even bigger?  The pint-sized douche magnet needs to knock off the bad plastic surgery that is now covering each pillowcase within the house.  The heavy drinking begins immediately, and I am extremely creeped out by the Swedish triplets that all really look like chicks.  I thought one was Daisy!  That is, until two of the scrawny thing began dipping hot dogs in salsa and then I knew it had to have a dick because no self-respecting female would eat that shit.

Lost Traveled in Time April 22, 2009

….to next week, when there will be a new episode.  This week’s is another craptastic summary.  Which are probably key to those of us trying to watch Lost, since you can become so easily confused.  However they still suck.  Next week’s episode is “The Variable” which is when Faraday finally discloses what he knows about the island, and his mother, Eloise Hawking, is back and I’m pretty sure we learn what the relationship is between her and Whidmore.  Some are speculating that the girl pictured in the photo to the left is actually a young Eloise.  Time for some answers!

One great place I would recommend you go if you’ve lost touch with the plot is Watch with Kristin on E! Online.  Here’s a link to her main Lost page, and since she gets to actually speak to stars of the show, the producers, and network insiders, she obviously knows far more than me about what’s coming up. http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/lost/index.html?franchise=watch_with_kristin.

Scarpetta Headed to Film

I’m excited to report that one of the authors from my Book Chat, Patricia Cornwell, and her series about medical examiner Kay Scarpetta, will be made into a movie.  Though Scarpetta so far has been the main character in 16 books, the first movie will not be based on a specific one, or if so it has not been announced yet.  Probably much like Confessions of a Shopaholic had points from several of the books entertwined.  Angelina Jolie is in talks to star and although I think she would be fine, I’d like to see a newer face tied to Scarpetta.

In the books, she is extremely intelligent, can be emotionally detached, is beautiful but in a more subtle way than a Jolie, and has become involved with the wrong man a number of times.  She’s also supposed to be curvaceous and now that Angelina has slimmed down to pure waifishness, she needs to pack on a few pounds before I see it as believable.  What about her nemesis, Jennifer Aniston?  She wants to be in a darker movie!  Other possible picks for me would be Reese Witherspoon taking a new route, Ali Larter (whom I have loved since Varsity Blues and she certainly has the looks pinned although she’s on the young side), Amanda Peet, or Halle Berry.

Fancy A Duel?

Wednesday night means duel, and New Zealand is bringing out the worst in the Real World/Road Rulers challengers.  Because of the choice Paula made last week with Dunbar rather than MJ, many are questioning her loyalty to her supposed alliance, most of all Evan, who promised to have her back but is now wondering if he made the right choice.

The competition this week was to stand on a rope, with your hands overhead hanging onto a second rope.  While gyrating and bouncing back and forth on these ropes, you can knock other players off.  After several rounds that eventually led to physical contact, Ruthie was the girl’s winner and Landon the men’s.  The most unfortunate part of this was where you landed when you fell off — a giant cess pool of what is probably disease and infection, and what is definitely murky muddy swampy goodness.

Halloweentime in the City April 21, 2009

The Big Apple was hardly abuzz this week, but some of the main events include….

The daughter of the lady I dare not speak of came home from private school for the weekend.  Mother Dearest wants to make a list of all the trivial things they need to do, including a mani-pedi, shopping, and eating Japanese food.  You need a list to complete those chores, do ya?  They do seem awfully taxing.   Speaking of, Jill is being interviewed on the economy by the BBC.  The woman who just spent seventeen grand on a handbag is discussing the economy?  She’s hardly a realist.  She gets a plug in for her charity event, claims that the economy has affected her and her friends, but the way she explains it is that they can’t find sponsors or guests to write checks to attend charity functions.  That’s not her personal financial statement, however, so I don’t see how that translates to a conflict for her.  Quote right from Jill Zarin’s mouth: “If you always spend less than you have, you’ll always be rich.”  I must look at my bank statements and ask myself ‘Am I spending more than I have?’  Thanks, Jill.