Let This Be the Season of Jill April 14, 2009

I shall call her Zesty Zarin from here on out!  Zarin Fabrics is hosting a shindig, and we get more one-on-one time with Jill.  More beef from Mario about the tennis match.  Bethenny is giving her new dating rules, 1) No textual relationships.  2) Think of my vagina as a vase and if you’ve had sex with me, it’s time to send flowers.  Apparently Ramona’s rules from when she was “tanner than George Hamilton” needed updating.  Kelly showed up dressed like a hippie dippy love child and seeing Bethenny mocking Kelly’s greetings was spot-on and priceless.  Brad is busy swooning over Kelly’s date Max and the twosome have a pillow fight, which shocks Jill since this is a cocktail party and they’re not in middle school.

Big Fat Loser Is Back

More importantly, I’m back, blogging Week 14.  And the contestants are getting makeovers!  This week begins with Filipe and Kristen talking about destroying Jillian’s team, something which in the history of the show has never been done.  Jillian has had the winning contestant every single season.  But let ’em try!  I love Bob, but he obviously doesn’t push to the degree that Jillian does.  I think he deserves a win, too, but he can earn it.  In the first 3 minutes, we see the next challenge: cross a canyon on two cables, ten stories high, 700 feet across, attached to a zipline.  The winner will receive a $20,000 kitchen makeover and re-stock with healthy items.  I want that prize and I’m not overweight.  Big Fat Loser, can you find me and my kitchen please?  Big surprise, shitty Ron quit after 40 feet.  He’s “worried about his knee”.  Geez, I feel soooo bad for him.  GO HOME ALREADY!  Jesus, Tara wins again.  She is unstoppable and it makes me want to vomit.  So over it.  Can’t someone beat her already?!  It’s as if no one else is even playing this game.  On a happy note, I saw Nicole on US Weekly’s new cover, and she’s lost 107 lbs!  A big improvement from her 5 lb. weight gain, and I’m happy to note it’s something I predicted.  I’m pegging her as our at-home winner.

DWTS Results Show 4/14

I just realized the irony in Lil’ Kim performing Jailhouse Rock, which the judges asked for a repeat performance of.  Except she was the cop this time!  You know my thoughts, her (fake) buck teeth jutted out so much when looking at Derek that I couldn’t even concentrate on the dance.  Don’t worry, I know — I’m a judgmental biotch.  I don’t think Steve-o was that bad actually so it’s sad that he is in the bottom as usual.  My guess is the fans will save him from the bottom 2 as usual, and if he’s in it.  I doubt that judge favorites Shawn, Gilles, Lil’ Kim and Melissa won’t be there!  Tonight was the DWTS results show for week 6 and I have all the details…. but beware that all the spoilers are down below.

I accidentally just caught a tidbit of the Disney-esque group dance and it was obnoxious to say the least.  Man, I hate those special performances they do.  And we will have that to look forward to from the stars next week along with the professionals.  I have a feeling my darling Ty will be in the bottom this week, and I’m worried if he’s competing with Steve-o that he won’t come out on top.  Heeeeelp, I would need a new favorite!  Oh no, I didn’t realize that there won’t be a dance-off this week.  We’re really getting down to the bottom now and will soon be eliminating even the great dancers.

Fast & Furious: Brazilian Speed Racer

I made that title up.  I have absolutely not one shred of evidence that the 5th Fast and Furious movie will be called Fast & Furious: Brazilian Speed Racer.  I do have evidence that there will be a 5th movie, though.  And for that reason I think we should all rejoice.  As will the studio: this movie was the biggest opening weekend in history for an April premiere.  Although the budget was $85 mill and they wrecked hundreds of cars over the course of filming.